Promise Me
The cold in her hands was merciless. She wondered if that is what death will feel like. Cold, creeping up from her fingers and toes until it finally reached her heart one cloying inch at a time. "The waiting is killing me," she thought. Oh, that's funny; it was hard not to laugh out loud. They’d just think she'd lost her mind. The irony was breathtaking. She'd always feared death, but she'd never considered what it would feel like. Now here she was, stretched out on the couch, hovering in a foggy-in-between space, waiting. Sometimes she was completely aware of what was going on around her. She'd dutifully respond appropriately and crack the occasional joke. But every word was so exhausting. Then there’s the other times, when she wanted to speak and couldn't. She could hear what’s going on, but she felt like she was under water or wrapped up in one of those lead blankets they cover you with before you get your teeth x-rayed. It felt like opening her mouth would drown her, so she just hovered under the surface watching, waiting. Sometimes she'd see flashes of another place, she couldn't pinpoint where it is, but it was lovely and felt so warm and familiar. The sun was shining there. She couldn't help but believe if she could just get there everything will be okay. The cold in her hands would subside. She'd run in the sunshine. Oh, it had been so long since she ran. When the children were little she’d scamper across the yard after them. They’d go on picnics and fish in the canals. Sometimes when she was in the sunny place she'd see her daddy standing there. He'd smiles and she'd just about jump out of her skin to run to him and hug him. She hadn't hugged her daddy since she was 18. It’d been so long. He’d never met my children.
Then she'd get scared. What if he didn’t recognize her? She was so old now, in her eightieth year. What if he didn’t like the woman she'd become?
Everything had gone so fast. Just two weeks ago they her me the cancer was back and spreading to her lungs. Last week it spread to her brain. No wonder she hadn’t been able to catch her breath. No wonder she'd gotten so confused over the simplest things. Taking medications had become overwhelming. Did she take them? When? Were they in the right order? Maybe she’d forgotten? Should she take them again? She knew what she wanted to think and say and do, but her body, her hands, her mouth all seemed to be taking control. Words she hadn’t intended, actions she hadn’t planned. It was terrifying. At lest the medications had taken the edge off the confusion. Now, she could mostly get the proper thoughts out when she'd try, but she was so tired. Sometimes she simply didn’t want to try. Every word was a marathon. It was less exhausting to wait in silence.
Ever since Thomas died she'd feared dying alone. What if no one found her for days? What if she fell and no help came? Her dreams had always been of Thomas, of looking for him. For twelve years she’d run in her dreams through fog and storm and abandoned buildings and the dark of night always searching for Thomas. She'd never found him. She'd smell him, or see signs that he’d passed by, but she never found him. She wondered if she could find him now that death was near? Maybe he was in that same place where her daddy was? Maybe someday soon he’d come for her?
They’re were laughing all around her. It was hard to believe how many people had come to see her, how many were still coming. They were supposed to come for her 80th birthday party at the end of the year. Now, they were coming early. She was never alone - it was never quiet. Were they laughing at her?
“Stop laughing at me!”
“Oh mama, we’re not laughing at you, we’re remembering the good times.” Carolanne slipped her hand into June's as she spoke. It felt so lovely, so very warm. The merciless chill in her hand faded away with the first squeeze. How many times over the years had she held that precious hand, the hand of her only daughter? June was so proud of the woman Carolanne had become. The years slip away as the memories swirled up around her.
“Mama! Mama!” They’ve ruined my Barbie’s again! Carolanne’s squeals echoed through the house.
“Carolanne, calm down, you sound like a fire alarm!”
"But mama, he flattened my Barbie's chest with a hammer!"
She couldn't help but chuckle, of course her brother's shouldn't bother her things, but those boys kept everything so entertaining. Every day was a new adventure. She never knew what would happen next. LIke the time they decided to pretend they were electricians and strung yarn all through the unfinished basement, then lit it on fire to "get the electricity flowing." June couldn't make up stuff like that, but their antics sure kept her friends guessing. They were just born pre-programmed to get into mischief. Poor little Carolanne didn't have a chance, really. But this was the hand fate had dealt her. The only sister to six brothers, she'd probably never get a day's peace, but she'd certainly grow up tough and resistant to teasing - eventually. It was bad enough she had three older brothers, but when the three younger one's came, well life just didn't seem fair. Of course, life isn't fair, it's good she had a chance to learn that early.
"Mama, mama, can you hear me?"
The merciless cold seeped in June's hands was back. Carolanne was standing over her now. "Mama, can you eat anything?"
Heaven's no, she couldn't eat anything! Why couldn't she just rest, undisturbed? It wa so exhausting to answer even the most simplest questions. She'd rather just
turn her face towards the sun and drift into the stillness...
to be continued
Then she'd get scared. What if he didn’t recognize her? She was so old now, in her eightieth year. What if he didn’t like the woman she'd become?
Everything had gone so fast. Just two weeks ago they her me the cancer was back and spreading to her lungs. Last week it spread to her brain. No wonder she hadn’t been able to catch her breath. No wonder she'd gotten so confused over the simplest things. Taking medications had become overwhelming. Did she take them? When? Were they in the right order? Maybe she’d forgotten? Should she take them again? She knew what she wanted to think and say and do, but her body, her hands, her mouth all seemed to be taking control. Words she hadn’t intended, actions she hadn’t planned. It was terrifying. At lest the medications had taken the edge off the confusion. Now, she could mostly get the proper thoughts out when she'd try, but she was so tired. Sometimes she simply didn’t want to try. Every word was a marathon. It was less exhausting to wait in silence.
Ever since Thomas died she'd feared dying alone. What if no one found her for days? What if she fell and no help came? Her dreams had always been of Thomas, of looking for him. For twelve years she’d run in her dreams through fog and storm and abandoned buildings and the dark of night always searching for Thomas. She'd never found him. She'd smell him, or see signs that he’d passed by, but she never found him. She wondered if she could find him now that death was near? Maybe he was in that same place where her daddy was? Maybe someday soon he’d come for her?
They’re were laughing all around her. It was hard to believe how many people had come to see her, how many were still coming. They were supposed to come for her 80th birthday party at the end of the year. Now, they were coming early. She was never alone - it was never quiet. Were they laughing at her?
“Stop laughing at me!”
“Oh mama, we’re not laughing at you, we’re remembering the good times.” Carolanne slipped her hand into June's as she spoke. It felt so lovely, so very warm. The merciless chill in her hand faded away with the first squeeze. How many times over the years had she held that precious hand, the hand of her only daughter? June was so proud of the woman Carolanne had become. The years slip away as the memories swirled up around her.
“Mama! Mama!” They’ve ruined my Barbie’s again! Carolanne’s squeals echoed through the house.
“Carolanne, calm down, you sound like a fire alarm!”
"But mama, he flattened my Barbie's chest with a hammer!"
She couldn't help but chuckle, of course her brother's shouldn't bother her things, but those boys kept everything so entertaining. Every day was a new adventure. She never knew what would happen next. LIke the time they decided to pretend they were electricians and strung yarn all through the unfinished basement, then lit it on fire to "get the electricity flowing." June couldn't make up stuff like that, but their antics sure kept her friends guessing. They were just born pre-programmed to get into mischief. Poor little Carolanne didn't have a chance, really. But this was the hand fate had dealt her. The only sister to six brothers, she'd probably never get a day's peace, but she'd certainly grow up tough and resistant to teasing - eventually. It was bad enough she had three older brothers, but when the three younger one's came, well life just didn't seem fair. Of course, life isn't fair, it's good she had a chance to learn that early.
"Mama, mama, can you hear me?"
The merciless cold seeped in June's hands was back. Carolanne was standing over her now. "Mama, can you eat anything?"
Heaven's no, she couldn't eat anything! Why couldn't she just rest, undisturbed? It wa so exhausting to answer even the most simplest questions. She'd rather just
turn her face towards the sun and drift into the stillness...
to be continued
continued....
Turning her face towards the sun and drifting into the stillness. That's what felt the best to her. That's what felt like home. When she looked toward the light the chill in her hands began to fade. Spring, everything looked like spring. The grass was so green, the colors of the flowers were so vibrant. She felt an urge to skip and sing. It was so very joyous here.
She saw a man, standing just at the edge of the light. He was shorter than her sweet Thomas, but the stoop in his shoulder's, the smallness of his feet, and his tired yet loving smile sent a thrill down her spine.
Daddy, daddy? Is that you?
She thought it was him, but he was backlit by the light so she couldn't quite tell. Oh how she wanted to run into those big strong arms she'd missed for so long.
Daddy, can I come where you are?
Not yet pumpkin, but soon. Not everyone is here yet.
But daddy, I'm so cold, and you look so warm.
Momma!
Carolanne nudged her shoulder and the light faded. "Momma, did you say you were cold? Let me cover you with another blanket."
She recognized the quilt without even opening her eyes. It was the flannel lap quilt the neighbors had made for Thomas when he was sick. She remembered tucking the thick warmth around him like it was yesterday. But it had been twelve years, an eternity, a life-time. Thomas had faded into a dream she almost didn't believe any more. His sickness had come on suddenly too. One minute they were traveling and having fun and the next he was confused and writing outside the boxes of the crossword puzzle. They'd gone strait from the airport to the hospital. He'd been diagnosed with a brain tumor and had surgery the next day. They'd been told the tumor could be surgically removed, but it would grow back. There were experimental treatments they could try, but the tumor would grow back. But she and Thomas had decided they could beat this tumor. They were tough. They were fighters. They knew how to lick things. No treatment was too risky. They could only win if they put up a fight. But the fight had failed.
She couldn't believe how quickly she lost him. Oh, it had taken eight months for him to die, but he'd lost his ability to speak just after Christmas. They never got to say goodbye. They never had the tough talks about what life would be like for her when he was gone. They'd never gone through their finances or made any plans. Doing any of that would admit defeat. Doing any of that would curse them to fail. So they'd battened down the hatches and started the treatments and told the world they could beat this too. Then suddenly, one morning, he woke up and there were simply no words. She'd seen the sorrow and fear in his eyes. It was so raw she had to look away. She simply kissed his forehead and snuggled up beside him. They'd laid like that for hours spooned together in a silence that would not go away, physically clutching one another in a desperate attempt to hold back the fear.
It wasn't fear of what came after death. They both believed that death was simply a passage to the next life. They believed their love would last for eternity. The fear was from not knowing what existence without one another would look like. How could they possibly understand such a thing? They'd taken a fancy to one another when they were just fourteen. By the time they reached their Senior year in High School they were inseparable. They shared the same friends and the same interests. She'd been there for Thomas when his buddy took a hard hit and died on the football field. He'd been there for her when her daddy dropped dead from a heart attack just before her debut in the school musical. They'd known and loved each other through tough things since they were children. No one was surprised when they got married right out of High School. Of course they would be together forever. It was impossible to think of an existence without their hands interlocked and shoulder's squared together.
to be continued...
Turning her face towards the sun and drifting into the stillness. That's what felt the best to her. That's what felt like home. When she looked toward the light the chill in her hands began to fade. Spring, everything looked like spring. The grass was so green, the colors of the flowers were so vibrant. She felt an urge to skip and sing. It was so very joyous here.
She saw a man, standing just at the edge of the light. He was shorter than her sweet Thomas, but the stoop in his shoulder's, the smallness of his feet, and his tired yet loving smile sent a thrill down her spine.
Daddy, daddy? Is that you?
She thought it was him, but he was backlit by the light so she couldn't quite tell. Oh how she wanted to run into those big strong arms she'd missed for so long.
Daddy, can I come where you are?
Not yet pumpkin, but soon. Not everyone is here yet.
But daddy, I'm so cold, and you look so warm.
Momma!
Carolanne nudged her shoulder and the light faded. "Momma, did you say you were cold? Let me cover you with another blanket."
She recognized the quilt without even opening her eyes. It was the flannel lap quilt the neighbors had made for Thomas when he was sick. She remembered tucking the thick warmth around him like it was yesterday. But it had been twelve years, an eternity, a life-time. Thomas had faded into a dream she almost didn't believe any more. His sickness had come on suddenly too. One minute they were traveling and having fun and the next he was confused and writing outside the boxes of the crossword puzzle. They'd gone strait from the airport to the hospital. He'd been diagnosed with a brain tumor and had surgery the next day. They'd been told the tumor could be surgically removed, but it would grow back. There were experimental treatments they could try, but the tumor would grow back. But she and Thomas had decided they could beat this tumor. They were tough. They were fighters. They knew how to lick things. No treatment was too risky. They could only win if they put up a fight. But the fight had failed.
She couldn't believe how quickly she lost him. Oh, it had taken eight months for him to die, but he'd lost his ability to speak just after Christmas. They never got to say goodbye. They never had the tough talks about what life would be like for her when he was gone. They'd never gone through their finances or made any plans. Doing any of that would admit defeat. Doing any of that would curse them to fail. So they'd battened down the hatches and started the treatments and told the world they could beat this too. Then suddenly, one morning, he woke up and there were simply no words. She'd seen the sorrow and fear in his eyes. It was so raw she had to look away. She simply kissed his forehead and snuggled up beside him. They'd laid like that for hours spooned together in a silence that would not go away, physically clutching one another in a desperate attempt to hold back the fear.
It wasn't fear of what came after death. They both believed that death was simply a passage to the next life. They believed their love would last for eternity. The fear was from not knowing what existence without one another would look like. How could they possibly understand such a thing? They'd taken a fancy to one another when they were just fourteen. By the time they reached their Senior year in High School they were inseparable. They shared the same friends and the same interests. She'd been there for Thomas when his buddy took a hard hit and died on the football field. He'd been there for her when her daddy dropped dead from a heart attack just before her debut in the school musical. They'd known and loved each other through tough things since they were children. No one was surprised when they got married right out of High School. Of course they would be together forever. It was impossible to think of an existence without their hands interlocked and shoulder's squared together.
to be continued...